Yeah, I'm over here

 Hi mom, 

I'm over here. Turns out that not long after the last post, i started a career. I've learned that i didn't know myself. 

Ididn't it all. and I kind of had my world crash down around me. It's a lot to put into words because it's 2 years of foundation building. 

How did life fall apart? My depression was manifesting. My perfectionism was agrivating to me and the people i love the most. I was setting unachieveable goals for other people, mostly Husband, without even telling him. I was projecting my perfection "value" onto my oldest. Just the worst kind of way to parent. I pushed and pushed and finally there was a breaking point. I had a total meltdown over dinner and got into therapy. By then it was a lot too late. Husband found himself a new group of friends and one of them was a predator. She tried to find her way into his world, unsuccessfully, but it wasn't noticed by him. That was the hurtful part. 

Once that all came to light, i realized that I was bullying the people that i love the most. I had pushed my husband out of my life and into an emotional void. I had pushed my oldest into a space of co-dependance and he based every choice on how i would react. The other little ones were my safe space and I controlled every aspect of their day in the best way i could; I created a classroom out of our home. 

I was a hoarder of people! My people, but all the same. I made them all stay around me and was a miserable person to be around. 

Enter Self Help Day that saved myself from myself! 

It had just come come to light that Gabe was unknowing in an emotional affair. I wasn't working yet. I found a random "self help day" post on an event page. I don't know if it was Google Events, Facebook Events, or Eventbright. I've gone back to look for the post and it doesn't exist! It's like those angel stories where "the woman saved my life and then when i looked back she wasn't even there." 

This marketed as a self-help seminar. It was free and in Malibu! I was so in! 

It was the most prestine location. Green grassy knolls, a high end estate, complete with whimsical glass greenhouse, stable, Airstream with a permenant deck set like a countryside getaway, and gardens. The place was more zen than a temple. 

The seminar was ran by a beautiful AA woman. She was hosting this seminar as a way to teach people of her "sandbox" group about her specialty, Internal Family Systems. 

Internal Family Structures lays out the psychology of the Self.  We are the Self. Every experience in life developes a Part of the Self. Sometimes, negative experiences create Exiles. These could be the "abandoned 5 year old" or the Scared 14 year old" that lives within the self. The self is protected by the "Managers" by keeping the self far from the exiles. Managers can suppress emotions, be the inner critic, etc. The last one in the group is the "firefighters" which are the parts that suppress, dissassociate, or numb the self when the exile is triggered. 

i spent the day naming my parts. Sitting with the managers, learning where they came from, which experience i could identify and then "thank them and let them go." It was incredible. I felt free from so much anguish and, for the first time, in decades, felt that there was a way to get out from behind some of my early childhood trama.

That day, I also realized that i would have to deal with my childhood trauma. 

I got really into IFS. I continued to work on myself. And I felt like the universe was rooting for me becuase shortly after, I was hired for my current job, a dream job, working with people in nature. 

I've continued to grow and learn more about myself. I allowed myself to make genuine connections to people and to see the beauty in the every-day. I am content. 

Then I wasn't. My antidepressant was working to its potential and I hadn't had a counselor in a year. I got back into therapy. Went through a few therapists to find the right one. 

How did i know when i found THE one? I had the veil lifted during our "getting to know you" session and she ended the session with "I can help you." and that one sentance was fully received. I knew it. 

And here were are now. Continuing to grow. Making meaninful connecitons. Working on my Self so Future Self can live in peace. 

But before I leave you todays, Mom, two things are true in life; two take-aways: 1. You don't have to be judged by who you were because you are allowed to change. 2. You don't have to hate who you were. There were a lot of managers blocking your Self from freeing the exiles. 

I love you. Good night.